This is What You Get When You Mess With Us

Gaudy Patter

The Cheaper the Crook, the Gaudier the Patter Week 29

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“It’s better to ask for the earth than to take it.”

ITEM:

ITEM: I had forgotten, until the Wee Bairn showed up, how great libraries are, especially the well-funded ones in my part of the world.   Books, CDs, DVDs, an opportunity to learn, a safe place to hang out for a few hours and charge your phone if you’ve got nowhere else to stay.  A couple of hours of fun for a Wee Bairn.  Communities need good libraries.

Of course, there’s always some asshole who wants to blow up a common good to save himself $1.50 in taxes a week and make googly-eyes at a sociopath who makes $250 Million a day.

ITEM:  Co-workers donating vacation time to expectant mothers and CEO “gifts” car to employee who walked all night to get to job.  Feel-good stories!  No, not at all an indictment of our collective neglect of social support and infrastructure, while wages stagnate, taxes get cut, and the pocket book of the C-suite bulges!

ITEM: Sarah Huckabee Sanders, like her father, is a bezoar in the good functioning of democracy.

ITEM: I’m ready to do my bit:

Let’s back up here briefly and establish something important, though: No one, and I mean no one, is saying that straight guys, white or otherwise, shouldn’t have a place in comedy anymore. Only that — like the brilliant Mulaney, who has described himself on many occasions as the whitest man alive — in the future, they’ll have to take more risks and work harder to earn a spot that might’ve been more easily obtainable 20 or 30 years ago, when the sight of a woman or a person of color onstage was more of an anomaly. They’ll also have to listen, or at least pretend to listen, when somebody calls them out on their subject matter, their joke writing, or their political opinions. They’ll have to refrain from trying to short circuit debate by claiming that the other person is too sensitive or “can’t take a joke” or is somehow endangering their free speech. And they’ll have to make peace with the fact that, if they’re able to claim a spot of prime cultural real estate, they’ll be expected to constantly defend it as they age, by becoming better at the art and craft than anyone who dares to accuse them of sucking up cultural oxygen that should be nourishing them instead.

ITEM: When all candidates are clients, how does the algorithm choose the winner? 

Facebook took the methods it learned from the Trump campaign to further refine a marketing model called “Test, Learn, Adapt” (TLA), which it currently uses to assess its own advertising. These internal documents are a candid recognition by Facebook of the GOP candidate’s advertising success and reveal the degree to which the company views Trump not just as a potential regulator or a source of misinformation, but also, above all, a valued customer.

Also, the Zuck is totally running and his Facebook is going to tell us whatever we want to read to make it so.

ITEM: Prime Day has come and gone.  Another chance for Bezos to hoover up $$$ and crush his warehouse employees under the strain of unreasonable deadlines, and of course I’ve played my part like stooge. Picked up Hitchcock’s Shadow of a Doubt, with Joseph Cotton, A collection of all five Star Trek TOS movies on BluRay, and Remo Williams on DVD.

Found a pretty good copy of the Blade Runner Blu Ray 5 disc set with all cuts of the film, from Working to the Final, from a guy on eBay.  Case broken, but otherwise fine.

This is me personally trying to keep physical media alive and well, so I can watch the films I like when I want to, not when Netflix decides I want to.  Why go back to the 70s?

ITEM: I’ve upgraded my DSLR three times in the last 15 years, each time expanding on speed and functionality… and price.  I know have a D750 with several FX lenses of good quality.  Finally, the Bairn is in focus, but I have not improved my photography.  I took a class in Lightroom this weekend with the hope that I’d be able to enhance their quality.  I left with enough knowledge to understand that It’s a poor artist who blames his tools and I should probably stick with what I’m best with: my Instax and cellphone.

The Cheaper the Crook, the Gaudier the Patter Week 28

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What’s up, bootlickers? 

I’ve been sleepwalking, cotton wool wrapped around my head. I find it unfathomable that anyone could ignore or even approve of the “work” that 45 and his stooges have been inflicting upon the world, but they’re out there, assuming the best with a smile on their face and a XXXL “Choose Happiness” tshirt on their chests, or gleefully cheering for the detention of 2 year olds. Still, a read through my (admittedly small) list of acquaintances, family, and friends on Facebook and other social media show that I’m not alone, although most manage to continue with their lives, work, and hobbies without wallowing in existential dread. I guess it’s time to pick up my dusty ukulele (not a euphemism) again.

45 is a sideshow barker and we’re marks, staring stupefied at the stage, in glee or utter terror, while yokel grifters, who’d sell their mothers for a seat with titans of industry, rummage through our pocketbooks.  McConnell stole a Democratic Supreme Court justice; Kennedy’s retirement puts another rubber stamp in a seat for a conservative, anti-human agenda, that lines the pockets of the wealthy and, to keep them voting against their interests, gives frothing whites the axe they desperately want to butcher the social safety net and hard won freedoms.

Still,  although I loath it, I can understand this fear and hate from people that look like me.  I know why they hate change and growth.  What I can’t understand is the vitriol coming from people slightly to the left of center.  Hippie punching, the kids say.  “Elections Have Consequences,” is quite a statement from people who don’t vote in midterms and never seem as interested in state or local politics as they are in the presidential horse race. Who can’t see that voter suppression and gerrymandering have silenced voices.  Who wag their fingers and shame third party voters, but court those who voted for a so-called “man” who openly mocked the vulnerable, who called for violence at rallies, who has assaulted women… People who think America was great when minorities and women “knew their place.”

Democrats, who can’t get behind the DSA candidates who actually won their primary.  Septuagenarians who don’t know or don’t care that people are terrified that they have to work harder for less, year after year, and that this didn’t improve one percentage point during a Democratic presidency or congress.  Democrats who have been powerless to stop the dismantling of union protections, scoffed at a rise wages for all, proportionate to those gains made by the ruling class, dismissed medicare-for-all as pie in the sky dreaming while voting for $100 billion additional military spending.

Or, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. 

ITEM: Steny Hoyer, from my fair state, admits on tape that he doesn’t believe in free elections.

ITEM: This administration is full of monsters who despise children

American officials sought to water down the resolution by removing language that called on governments to “protect, promote and support breast-feeding” and another passage that called on policymakers to restrict the promotion of food products that many experts say can have deleterious effects on young children.

ITEM: Nope, we’re all monsters

ITEM: Amazon is likely to come to Montgomery County, and have us pay for the privilege.  They want a piece of all government procurement and this is as good a place as any to staff up.  A normal, functioning government would not let one company own one of the largest non-military sectors of that nation’s federal infrastructure.

ITEM: All is not doom and gloom: I had forgotten how much I loved to read.  Since I don’t drink, a good book really can slow things down in the ol’ brain pan.  And there are these places called libraries where you can check books out for free?  I can’t wait for some techbro to try and disrupt the library model.  Until then, I’ve been checking out Miss Marples as fast as I can read them. And I really enjoy the Vera and Shetland books by Ann Cleves (which is her real name) although our local doesn’t have a great selection of those in print; I can check them out on Overdrive.

ITEM: I write about lines and presence.

ITEM: Donald Sutherland is best as the beatnik tank commander in the Kelly’s Heroes, which I love.

ITEM: Great American Action Movie, or Greatest American Action Movie?

Edited 16JUL2018  12:38pm EDT

Cheaper the Crook, Gaudier the Patter Week 18

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It’s becoming difficult to follow the news and continue to suppress my lifelong desire to pack my tiny family into the CRV and hightail it to our private compound in a location I will not share on a public forum.

ITEM: Maybe we’re all burned out, but I haven’t seen much on this. Over the weekend, two stories were published that suggested Trump admin staff had hired an Israeli spy firm to do oppo research on the Obama staff who worked on the Iran nuclear deal, with the goal of derailing the agreement. In the Guardian and some additional confirmation in the New Yorker.

Two twitter threads from one of the targets provides some context.

ITEM: I watch Westworld, but I’m surely not a fan. The cast is excellent and would love to see any of them in another role (If Anthony Hopkins and Brian Cox are interchangeable septuagenarian British actors, I’d rather see Cox in the part) I feel like I’ve seen this all before, like we’re all stuck in someone’s narrative loop and this is the latest iteration of the LOST storyline: story unstuck in time; shadowy corporation being shady; who’s more truly “alive” and “free;” who or what is running the world; is it freedom to every scenario ends in your destruction?

Sunday night show pulled the old switcheroo, introducing Park 6, Raj World (my name) and a new character who is chased into Westworld by a Bengal tiger. Will we see her again? Who knows. I’m not sure I care.

I’m not sure if Delos is harvesting DNA as part of a titanic Big Data project to optimize razor sales or they’re creating clones of business leaders as part of a global hostile takeover. Will Thandie Newton’s character give birth to a hybrid? All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again.

ITEM: Or, turn off the infernal beast.

I don’t know if Bezos knows this, but before he ruins the quality of life in DC Metro Area he may want to read up on these things we have here called libraries. I had forgotten about them until the wee Bairn decided she was interested in learning about words and pictures.

In addition to books, the Montgomery County Library system holds a good collection films, TV shows, and audio recordings. I’ve caught up on my Agatha Christie habit and have taken to Ann Cleve’s Shetland books, a series about a Detective Inspector Jimmy Perez in one of the northern most points in Great Britain. He doesn’t drink to excess, but he sure is miserable and his life filled with misery. The stories are good, not great (Cleve’s also wrote the Vera Stanhope books; both series have made good TV). When I’m done with those, there’s a 1000 more to choose from, even if 99% of the mystery books on their shelves include a cat protagonist. I can always re-read Raymond Chandler or Graham Greene.

And unlike Amazon Prime and Netflix, the cost is baked into your tax bill, like all those other things that make your day a little bit better, like parks and trash collection and schools that actually educate. True, you may need to have some patience, but, since neither of us are very good at it, I think that’s a good thing for me and the Bairn to practice.

ITEM: Speaking of, I bought myself a D750 to take better pictures; specifically, pictures of the Bairn smiling and in focus. Could have saved a packet if I had followed this guidance.

ITEM: WTF is wrong with us men?

ITEM: These kids seem like giant assholes. They learned from the best.

ITEM: Or why I don’t write & publish here more often

ITEM: “The poorest way to face life is to face it with a sneer. There are many men who feel a kind of twister pride in cynicism; there are many who confine themselves to criticism of the way others do what they themselves dare not even attempt.”

Cheaper the Crook, The Gaudier the Patter Week 16

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The last few weeks have been such a tremendous global cluster frak that I haven’t been much interested in boring you, my dedicated reader, with my hottest hot takes.  It’ certainly has been our worst, but it’s absolutely not our best.  Still, like a circus bear on roller skates, we keep rolling forward.

ITEM: Multi-day festivals like Coachella sound like a fucking nightmare: tweens dressed for a fashion show, minor celebrities, drugs and drink.  The heat and bodies and portajohns.  I wouldn’t have done it 20 years ago.  I honestly don’t care about Beyonce and I don’t believe that you do either.  That’s okay; I’m not her target demo.

ITEM: I’d rather go to the zoo and see baby gorillas and brand new elephants and ride the carousel three times in a row on a rainy Sunday morning.  Living our best lives. Adopt an elephant or a gorilla.  Get a FONZ membership.

ITEM: War on Drugs was playing while I stood in line at the Giant tonight.  I’m old. 

ITEM: A Tale of Two Waffle Houses:  First, black man saves his own ass and God knows how many other people by wrestling a rifle from a white, pantsless assassin.  Second, a girl is tackled and stripped naked by three white cops for questioning a 50 cent charge for plastic cutlery on a take out order and dropping an F bomb. Yes, cracker, it’s all about race.

ITEM: Misery Class on track for FAA approval.  The 1% get something special.

ITEM: None of the wee Bairn’s pants have pockets.  The Bairn loves rocks and flowers and tiny knock-off Lego spacemen that look perpetually pissed off.  It’s bad enough that everything on a rack is pink and fluffy.  Add some damn pockets.  If you care about her silouette more than her .

ITEM: NO

ITEM: Just watched The Shape of Water.  This review in the preeminent conservative rag was written by a coked up 11th grader Incel.

ITEM: It’s ghost will haunt that building for an eternity

Cheaper the Crook, The Gaudier the Patter Week 12

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Some rando geezer on Facebook called me a troll; I’m just an asshole.

ITEM: EVERY FUCKING DAY

ITEM: Stuck in traffic? Wonder why you you’re surrounded by so many idiots? You’re the problem

ITEM: Stupid Songs to Cheer Up Gloomy People, Side B

ITEM: With no irony, I think we need to take all critics, put them on an ice floe and pray for accelerated climate change.

ITEM: Mood Music: Magnet and Steel

ITEM: I love elephants specifically, and pachyderms in general. The last male White Rhino is dead, leaving only a daughter and granddaughter behind. Beautiful animals slaughtered for witchcraft and the promise of a stiff dick.

ITEM: The more undeveloped or wooded land you “own” in Pennsylvania, the bigger the tax break. A law meant to keep the air clean in a state known for dirty industry sucks cash from strapped cities to the millionaires in the suburbs.

ITEM: “Daddy, what was it like before Chairman Bezos, long may he reign, bought the country?” “Quiet, honey. Alexa is listening.”

ITEM: I, for one, can’t wait to choose sides in the Amazon/Facebook Wars.

Good, bad, or neutral: Zuckerberg is pushing at the outer edges of our democracy to see what he can get away with. It’s an experiment and every mistake brings him that much closer to a real solution, scientific method applied to human engineering. He’s very young, he has time.

ITEM: Driverless car, which distracted “operator.” Guess who’s at fault? Summary execution by corporate fiat is the price we pay for walking in public roads.

ITEM: Guns are super tacticool. The world would be so much kinder if men went full Bowie and started wearing eye shadow, foundation, and platform shoes. You know, really accessorized.

Popular Signage:

 

My wee bairn is cool; I hope she doesn’t haven’t be this brave.

Cheaper the Crook, Gaudier the Patter Week 10

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Late, as Usual.

ITEM: THIS IS WHY

ITEM: I spent the week in West Palm Beach, a stones throw from Hellmouth South, a conference for work.  Not including the people I work with and our clients, nearly everyone there was saddlebag tan, sheathed in Lily Pulitzer, and well past retirement.  I’d gamble even money that the average voter there was slightly more conservative than Reagan’s corpse.

This was hanging in a art gallery window:

I don’t know much about art, but I know what I like, and I do not like this.  Yes, I understand the allusion to Norman Rockwell’s Self Portrait.  Is this what “real America” hopes for when they see Michelle?  Do they “see” Melania, as Norman saw a younger, better looking self? Is the artist in the picture blind, deluded, racist?  Is this his hope? 

ITEM: I’ve never spent more time in a hotel conference room talking about tariffs on Aluminum and Steel.

ITEM: Pretty successful at selling some home items on eBay. One guy kept upping the bid on a camera I’m selling and then no showed when it came time to pay.  I burned a lot of cycles trying to understand why someone would do that.

ITEM: Jack White sounds like he’s a giant asshole, but *I* appreciate the how as much as the what in art.  I don’t know if Word can make me a better writer, but a fountain pen on paper, being more thoughtful about what I create, sure seems to.

ITEM: The other side?  It don’t say nothing.

ITEM: Why I don’t have employees anymore

ITEM: I have the feeling that if a 20 year old black man told this story, it wouldn’t be getting so much attention

ITEM: #chickenisagooddog