This is What You Get When You Mess With Us

Artemis Fowl (2020)

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This movie was not successful. 

And Kenneth Branagh has no business directing film. Murder on the Orient Express, too, was hard to watch.

I have doubts about the source material. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE BLOGGED read at least the first third of the book this movie was based on. She is a generous reader, it is to be said, but found the story to be tiring.

Look, I fully support making your story’s protagonist the “bad guy” looking to get one over on some bureaucratic prigs. But I don’t know if they may be both a “villain” and also be a smug, know-it-all asshole. Contrary to our collective national delusion about how criminals get by in the world, you can use fear to get somebody to do something once, but to get that person to keep doing it, they have to want to do it for you. That requires personality. 

I mean, I guess I thought this look was cool when I was 12…

Zero Percent Personality; One Hundred Percent Dick 

The best movie villains are the ones people actually like, inspite of their crimes. See also virtually any real-world CEO who commands an army of fans while also destroying the world. Many people think Zuckerberg is a good dude who surfs in piles of Kurgans . To some, Elon Musk is a “great man.” They’re charming assholes. Musk is Blowfeld (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_Stavro_Blofeld). Yeah, SPECTRE members are weary of his anger, but they also want to serve him. They like him. 

Artemis Fowl is just a private school kid with the keys to his dad’s Maserati. He’s a dick.  hat’s it. That’s the story.  

I only lasted 30 minutes because I was folding clothes in front of the TV and couldn’t go anywhere else. 

I eat it all.

Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) is a “bad guy.” As is tradition, Gad’s character is the most intereting in the film: Mulch is a “giant” dwarf who steal valuables and also eats dirt and poops it out in real time. 

#lego #vanlife

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Combining my two favorite past times: Doing the Lego thing with the wee bairn and imagining my #bestlife living the #vanlife.

Frances here is a beast and if it wasn’t for the two giant boxes of Basic bricks Santa brought this year, I don’t think there’d be a enough of these slim pieces or the residential doors and windows.

Also, the eyeballs.

The wheels and chassis are from a Lego Friends Juice Truck set. Not clear why Legos have to be gendered by I’m sure there’s a Momfluencer or a marketing department who can tell me. The truck lasted less than a day in one piece.

Time Enough

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I took the last two weeks of 2021 to celebrate and just spend time with my family without all of the bullshit.

I read a good deal, from the books that I’ve staked up – waist high – and unread. Public domain stories from Project Gutenberg, too, while I build up the classics muscle that I never really developed.

I ran into some short stories, including, coincidently, Time Enough by Lyn Venable. It was originally published in If Magazine in 1953. It’s a short read.

Henry Bemis, our protagonist, has no time to spend as he wishes, between his work at the bank and the demands of his wife. What he wants is to read. There’s simply not enough time. That is until there’s a nuclear disaster and Henry is the only one to survive. Him and the books in the library.

There is, of course, a twist.

If you’re a fan of the strange, this story should sound familiar: it was adapted for The Twilight Zone and is one of my favorites. Burgess Meredith plays Bemis like the goofy nerd he is. I think he may have even modelled the character after the author.

Apropos of nothing, here are some Burgess Meredith outtakes from the Grumpy Old Men movies.

Spicy Cannelloni

Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

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We watched Raya and the Last Dragon twice, over two weekends. I really enjoyed, SHE WHO WILL NOT BE BLOGGED enjoyed it, the kid really enjoyed it. The animation was varied and beautiful. My kid and I watch a lot of animation and there is so much that is just “flat,” especially digital animation, that it’s a bit shocking to see animated characters in Disney/Pixar films appear to be imbued with actual spirit. Raya‘s characters felt lifelike, even the Con-baby, Noi, and her monkey helpers.

Siso looks like Awkwafina, but less animated.

Heck, even Sisu, the titular dragon, both in her human and animal forms, had facial expressions that mimicked convincingly those of the actress who played her.

There’s a part of me, a big part, that really hates Disney. As a media corporation, they hold an outsized influence on what TV shows and Films get made. With the purchase of Fox, Disney’s intellectual property holdings are too deep and wide to be of any benefit to the world. Disney has for years embargoed films, holding back huge chunks of their catalogue from DVD/Blu-ray distribution, TV, and second run or revival theaters. They’ve extended this to the Fox world. Unless you’ve got the DVD lying around, thousands of movies are not available to view until Disney says so. They’re goosing scarcity. Disney executives are not creatives in any real sense. They’re not filmmakers or artists. They are asset managers.

Still, I can’t help it. I do look forward to a Disney film. Most of my childhood movie memories are focused on Disney films. Tron was my first VHS. My Dad loved the shorts and Fantasia. I have very fond memories of family trips to both US parks. So we ponied up the $29.95 (after the barrage of commercials on Kid Youtube, this amounts to extorsion) to view the film early from our Covid Bunker.

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