This is What You Get When You Mess With Us

Friday Fun Family Movie Night

Artemis Fowl (2020)

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This movie was not successful. 

And Kenneth Branagh has no business directing film. Murder on the Orient Express, too, was hard to watch.

I have doubts about the source material. SHE WHO MUST NOT BE BLOGGED read at least the first third of the book this movie was based on. She is a generous reader, it is to be said, but found the story to be tiring.

Look, I fully support making your story’s protagonist the “bad guy” looking to get one over on some bureaucratic prigs. But I don’t know if they may be both a “villain” and also be a smug, know-it-all asshole. Contrary to our collective national delusion about how criminals get by in the world, you can use fear to get somebody to do something once, but to get that person to keep doing it, they have to want to do it for you. That requires personality. 

I mean, I guess I thought this look was cool when I was 12…

Zero Percent Personality; One Hundred Percent Dick 

The best movie villains are the ones people actually like, inspite of their crimes. See also virtually any real-world CEO who commands an army of fans while also destroying the world. Many people think Zuckerberg is a good dude who surfs in piles of Kurgans . To some, Elon Musk is a “great man.” They’re charming assholes. Musk is Blowfeld (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ernst_Stavro_Blofeld). Yeah, SPECTRE members are weary of his anger, but they also want to serve him. They like him. 

Artemis Fowl is just a private school kid with the keys to his dad’s Maserati. He’s a dick.  hat’s it. That’s the story.  

I only lasted 30 minutes because I was folding clothes in front of the TV and couldn’t go anywhere else. 

I eat it all.

Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad) is a “bad guy.” As is tradition, Gad’s character is the most intereting in the film: Mulch is a “giant” dwarf who steal valuables and also eats dirt and poops it out in real time. 

Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

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We watched Raya and the Last Dragon twice, over two weekends. I really enjoyed, SHE WHO WILL NOT BE BLOGGED enjoyed it, the kid really enjoyed it. The animation was varied and beautiful. My kid and I watch a lot of animation and there is so much that is just “flat,” especially digital animation, that it’s a bit shocking to see animated characters in Disney/Pixar films appear to be imbued with actual spirit. Raya‘s characters felt lifelike, even the Con-baby, Noi, and her monkey helpers.

Siso looks like Awkwafina, but less animated.

Heck, even Sisu, the titular dragon, both in her human and animal forms, had facial expressions that mimicked convincingly those of the actress who played her.

There’s a part of me, a big part, that really hates Disney. As a media corporation, they hold an outsized influence on what TV shows and Films get made. With the purchase of Fox, Disney’s intellectual property holdings are too deep and wide to be of any benefit to the world. Disney has for years embargoed films, holding back huge chunks of their catalogue from DVD/Blu-ray distribution, TV, and second run or revival theaters. They’ve extended this to the Fox world. Unless you’ve got the DVD lying around, thousands of movies are not available to view until Disney says so. They’re goosing scarcity. Disney executives are not creatives in any real sense. They’re not filmmakers or artists. They are asset managers.

Still, I can’t help it. I do look forward to a Disney film. Most of my childhood movie memories are focused on Disney films. Tron was my first VHS. My Dad loved the shorts and Fantasia. I have very fond memories of family trips to both US parks. So we ponied up the $29.95 (after the barrage of commercials on Kid Youtube, this amounts to extorsion) to view the film early from our Covid Bunker.

[Read more…] about Raya and the Last Dragon (2021)

The Croods (2013)

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We’ve seen The Croods at least three times in a bunch of Family Movie Nights… So often I barely remember other animated films. The Croods holds beachfront real estate in my brain. All other residents died of the common cold…

My girl laughs *uncontrollably* throughout the entire film. 

The Croods are a family of, presumably, Neanderthals (or some other pre-Homosapien hominid…  I’m not sure it matters.)  The Crood family lives in constant fear of anything new or different, snug in a cave, leaving only to dine on the rare bird’s egg or edible bug. This bunker mentality is necessary. Their environment is purpose built to kill them. As Eep, voiced by Emma Stone, outlines in the 10 minutes of exposition at the top of the film, each of the neighboring families have been killed by animals, plants, or viruses. The Croods are the sole survivors; they face extinction every minute of every day. 

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Tangled (2010)

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We typically order takeout for our Friday Fun Family Fun Movie Night, but I wanted to make my own pizza dough because there are enough hours in the day when you’d rather not watch another episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

What Does *Your* Cutie Mark Say About You???

After slogging through a handful of personal anecdotes about how the writer to truly love bread-cheese-tomotosauce I found a dough recipe that looked straightforward and I made my pie. Shredded my own cheese! Baked it on my pizza stone!

Unfortunately, the bottom burned, the organic mozzarella ball was a touch past its prime, and the sauce was from a can.

Of course I ate it

SHE and the Bairn had bulgogi dumplings cooked in the air fryer. They were exceptional.

Anyway, our plan was to watch Penguins of Madagascar on Netflix because our girl loves the Madagascar films and the Penguins. But Your Wonderful Comcast decided Friday night at 5pm was the perfect time to reboot the Internet. So we dug through our Blu-Ray collection and pulled out Disney’s Tangled.

Tangled is a Disney interpretation of the story of Rapunzel. You can read the Grimm Brother’s version of it here. The Grimm’s telling itself is an interpretation of a story that occurs so often in traditions throughout the world, academics have assigned it a type: Type 310.1 The movie follows tale closely, but with a notable difference.

In the film, a magical plant grows wild, and the witch, Gothel (musical theater person Donna Murphy) nurtures it, but is certainly not interested in sharing the magic with anyone else. She has used that magic to keep herself alive and youthful for hundreds, maybe thousands of years.

The pregnant Queen is dying; the King directs his people to search the countryside for this mythical curative flower. The King’s men pluck the flower and turn it into a single dose elixir that saves Queen and gives their daughter, the princess Rapunzel, played by Mandy Moore, golden hair that can also cure the sick and heal the wounded. When cut, the magic hair dies at the root.

There are two bits of the film that trouble me; the first is the above. In the folktales, the witch cultivates salad greens (which is where the name “Rapunzel” comes from) and other vegetables, infused with her magic. A desperate husband steals these greens to heal his ailing, pregnant wife. To pay for this crime, the witch demands the child. The husband complies; the life of his wife is more precious to him than that of the child. The story never again mentions Rapunzel’s parents.

Although Gothel hoarded the power for herself, she kept the flower alive, recognizing the need to conserve it’s power. The King used up all of that power to save only his wife. How “good” can we assume this King to be if his people don’t object to using this power to save only one woman, even just a little? If the royal family had chosen to use his wealth and power to cultivate the magic flower, how many more of their people could he have saved? Gothel is “evil” for taking the child; the King exploited natural resources for his family alone, dooming the ancient Gothel and any other woman dying in childbirth.

I believe that any reasonable person would be angry enough to want to be made whole.

But this is a Disney Princess film and it goes as expected. Mandy Moore is funny, the script is funny and suspenseful (at least there were moments when my girl was really “scared” for the characters). Zachary Levi’s2 Flynn Ryder, who has stolen Rapunzel’s Princess crown3 from the castle, helps her escape from the tower. They spend the rest of the picture trying to stay away from his ex-partners, the witch, and the King’s soldiers, Rapunzel wants to see the floating lanterns the people of the kingdom release each year on her birthday. Thanks to her brains, his buffoonish bravery, and a mugging horse, they do succeed. It’s only after that they get caught…

Rapunzel is hopeful. Even though she is captive in the Tower and captive to Gothel’s guilt anxiety, she spends here time (shown in song) joyfully improving herself. And when Eugene (Flynn’s real name) comes along, he doesn’t rescue her. He helps, but she makes the choice and the leap to get out of the tower. Repunzel’s in control of herself, pretty ruthless with an iron frying pan…

And she is very conflicted.

Me, going to Target during the Pandemic

I thought this was incredibly authentic, especially for a Disney movie. She hadn’t been out of the tower for 16 years. Of course she’d be conflicted. This is a tremendous change for her. Thankfully, Flynn doesn’t try to make her stop, He lets her run it out. This is all very healthy.

Speaking of Gothel… yes, she’s made some terrible choices. But she is caring for this girl. She is parenting. She keeps Rapunzel confined, sure, but don’t we all? I can definitely see echos of their relationship in the mother/daughter relationships I know in real life. It’s certainly more realistic than other movie portrayed parent/child relationships.

But is Gothel “evil?” I’m not convinced. Angry, for sure. And scared.

The second bit I had a problem with was the resolution, especially considering Flynn’s openness to Rapunzel’s agency earlier in the movie. Ryder is mortally wounded by Gothel. Rapunzel is willing to stay with her if Gothel lets her save his life. Ryder, however, cuts off Rapunzel’s hair, killing her magic, and, ultimately, killing Gothel.

But are her powers gone?? Expectedly, Rapunzel’s tears heal Ryder and great joy is had by all.

Rapunzel made a reluctant choice to go with Gothel to save a person she loved. Flynn killed a part the root of her power (haha). He took away her agency. It worked out for him, of course. He lived. But Flynn he was more than willing to take her powers. That’s not a positive story. She didn’t ask to be rescued that time.

Anyway, my favorite scene:

Dream big, villains…

In all, I’m going to rate Tangled 6 out of 8 frying pans. My Bairn really loves it.4 So, watch it with your kids, but like all Disney movies, but with context.

  1. I like to think of myself a writer, and my dream has always been (and will likely always be) to write a novel. I read a bit and had a solid ‘3’ on the AP English exam I sat in 1996. I was not aware that there is an academic classification for Folktales. But there is. Explicitly stealing from the past and covering it with “tradition” is going to make writing stories for my Bairn a shit ton easier. ↩
  2. Levi also, too, is a lot to deal with. He delivers lines like he’s in some Tracey/Hepburn film, riffing with some spunky girl reporter who he marries in the last reel. Loud and Fast, not unlike his character in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Loud and Fast does not make something funny. It’s not a necessary ingredient in funny. Sherman-Palladino’s dialogue is not clever or smart; she tries to make up for that failing by having actors deliver it from a Gatling Gun. ↩
  3. Which the miserable King and Queen keep on a pedestal in the thrown room, awaiting their daughters return ↩
  4. She also likes the Disney+ TV version which, unlike other TV shows from movies, have all the voice actors from the movie reprise their roles. ↩

The Lion King

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Friday Family Movie Night usually goes off just fine but our Girl wanted to have no part of How to Train Your Dragon.  Disney+ holds a wealth of films, many I truly enjoyed as a kid 1. So we clicked over to the Lion King, the 1994 animated version rather than the creepy, digitally animatronic “live action” version. 

Like most middle-aged women, I’m partial to Timon and Pumbaa.  

I’m sure I’d be a “republican” if I was otherwise a subject of the Crown. In art as in life, no woman is an island; no person is imbued by an unseen force with the magical power to “Save Us All.”  At least in theory, our leaders earn their role, they work toward it, we choose them.  Leaders are not marked by the noodle-y appendage of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or a clutch of old men in flowing robes.2

Simba is King because he is the son of the King.  When Scar killed Mufasa and Simba Fled, Scar became king. All lions bowed to him.

Simba spent his days lounging with Timon and Pumbaa.  They are, as explained in the catchy song, lazy and carefree. What lessons they taught Simba so he could actually lead a people King, we don’t know. We know he grew up, grew a mane, grew powerful. We only know that he was still Mufasa’s son.

The other Lions in the pride – seemingly only female lions – waited for a hero to show himself.  When Simba arrived, and roared, everyone cowered.  Holy shit! He was King.  The power was in him all along!  He was the Chosen One who could Save them All! 

Leaders learn their craft. And whether they admit it or not, leaders can lead because they work with people who want them to be successful. Leaders tell their “people” a story that they want to hear, about who they want to be. For some that comes naturally. For most it’s a skill that leaders need to develop and nurture.

This story, like too many movies, like nearly all Disney movies, waves that way. Leaders just are!, it says, while waving away all the learning and hard work and coalition building good, successful leaders need to do.  It erases the lives and labor of those many who work to make leaders good successful.

Lion King: Keep the songs, lose the film. 

  1. Sadly, not a single copy of an unmolested Star Wars. Holding it online has given Lucas the opportunity to eternally fuck with it. With literally all the money in the world and a hyperfocus on Fan Service, Disney could do this one thing for me. ↩
  2. Maybe the lizard people have a hand in it ↩