#Dadhack: Paracord
99% of broken toys can be fixed with a length of paracord.
A 4lbs sledge can take care of the remaining 1%
Cheaper the Crook, The Gaudier the Patter Week 16
The last few weeks have been such a tremendous global cluster frak that I haven’t been much interested in boring you, my dedicated reader, with my hottest hot takes. It’ certainly has been our worst, but it’s absolutely not our best. Still, like a circus bear on roller skates, we keep rolling forward.
ITEM: Multi-day festivals like Coachella sound like a fucking nightmare: tweens dressed for a fashion show, minor celebrities, drugs and drink. The heat and bodies and portajohns. I wouldn’t have done it 20 years ago. I honestly don’t care about Beyonce and I don’t believe that you do either. That’s okay; I’m not her target demo.
ITEM: I’d rather go to the zoo and see baby gorillas and brand new elephants and ride the carousel three times in a row on a rainy Sunday morning. Living our best lives. Adopt an elephant or a gorilla. Get a FONZ membership.
ITEM: War on Drugs was playing while I stood in line at the Giant tonight. I’m old.
ITEM: A Tale of Two Waffle Houses: First, black man saves his own ass and God knows how many other people by wrestling a rifle from a white, pantsless assassin. Second, a girl is tackled and stripped naked by three white cops for questioning a 50 cent charge for plastic cutlery on a take out order and dropping an F bomb. Yes, cracker, it’s all about race.
ITEM: Misery Class on track for FAA approval. The 1% get something special.
ITEM: None of the wee Bairn’s pants have pockets. The Bairn loves rocks and flowers and tiny knock-off Lego spacemen that look perpetually pissed off. It’s bad enough that everything on a rack is pink and fluffy. Add some damn pockets. If you care about her silouette more than her .
ITEM: NO
ITEM: Just watched The Shape of Water. This review in the preeminent conservative rag was written by a coked up 11th grader Incel.
Oh, I see.
Me, Saturday Morning, Bedroom, Putting on a Summer Hat
Bairn: Take it off, I don’t like it
Me: Why?
Bairn: You look like a man.
Me: But I *am* a man!
Bairn: No, you’re “Daddy.”
We Were Just Dancing to This
Cheaper the Crook, The Gaudier the Patter Week 12
Some rando geezer on Facebook called me a troll; I’m just an asshole.
ITEM: EVERY FUCKING DAY
ITEM: Stuck in traffic? Wonder why you you’re surrounded by so many idiots? You’re the problem
ITEM: Stupid Songs to Cheer Up Gloomy People, Side B
ITEM: With no irony, I think we need to take all critics, put them on an ice floe and pray for accelerated climate change.
ITEM: Mood Music: Magnet and Steel
ITEM: I love elephants specifically, and pachyderms in general. The last male White Rhino is dead, leaving only a daughter and granddaughter behind. Beautiful animals slaughtered for witchcraft and the promise of a stiff dick.
ITEM: The more undeveloped or wooded land you “own” in Pennsylvania, the bigger the tax break. A law meant to keep the air clean in a state known for dirty industry sucks cash from strapped cities to the millionaires in the suburbs.
ITEM: “Daddy, what was it like before Chairman Bezos, long may he reign, bought the country?” “Quiet, honey. Alexa is listening.”
ITEM: I, for one, can’t wait to choose sides in the Amazon/Facebook Wars.
Good, bad, or neutral: Zuckerberg is pushing at the outer edges of our democracy to see what he can get away with. It’s an experiment and every mistake brings him that much closer to a real solution, scientific method applied to human engineering. He’s very young, he has time.
ITEM: Driverless car, which distracted “operator.” Guess who’s at fault? Summary execution by corporate fiat is the price we pay for walking in public roads.
ITEM: Guns are super tacticool. The world would be so much kinder if men went full Bowie and started wearing eye shadow, foundation, and platform shoes. You know, really accessorized.
Popular Signage:
My wee bairn is cool; I hope she doesn’t haven’t be this brave.